of heartache and suicide...

I shed countless tears over you as we gathered your photos together. The crew (your mom...my Aunt Caroline and Aunt Shirley) labored day and night in your mother's office to create the graphic masterpiece of an obituary that I had been called upon to work magic over. It was the most mentally horrific thing I have ever had to do... "I should not be here doing this--at THIS point in time," I told myself often.

The sweetest, most caring, adventurous, smartest person I knew lost a battle with his own demons. My cousin, only three days older than my twin and I, committed suicide. It took a while to NOT try to understand... as a human being we try to rationalize everything and this was one that would always remain a puzzle. It is what it is... Depression and substance abuse always hung in the gray areas of the background...waaay in the background. African American folks acknowledge it (kinda) but don't really speak on it...He was getting assistance, but I never knew to WHAT extent. I had just seen Josh some few weeks back... We talked, he laughed. ALL was well...right? Did I ask the right questions? What could I have done DIFFERENTLY? It took months to stop asking myself those questions... Was I listening ENOUGH?

There is no conclusion to this entry... I still don't know...
      BUT-- I wanted to write this all down because I have this one pic...

I did not go to the viewing. I HATE that (the viewing part). As a visual/artistic person I could not go and have some funeral person's rendition of you stuck in my head, so instead my last images of you was this dramatic, movie still-like image I took of your departure from the church. What I see is an amazing group of family (and friends) lifting you up gloriously til the end. The minus 12 degree weather was no small feat either...:-).




 This last image comes from the burial site... A brief sunrise service... 
You are SO loved and MISSED daily.




1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Thanks for reading... mj

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